Game 1 – Penn State vs. Colby
Colby College is a private liberal arts school of 1,800 located atop a hill overlooking beautiful Waterville, Maine. Colby draws students from all 50 states as well as 60 nations — to central Maine. This speaks volumes about the character and excellence of the school, or the desire for some parents to send their children far, far away.
Their mascots are the Mules, aka the White Mules. Colby decided to drop the White from Mules in an effort to attract more diversity. However, one must question the original decision to call their athletes a bunch of Half-Asses. I kid. Go Mules of the World!
Game 2 – Carthage vs. Auburn
Carthage College is a liberal arts school of 2,600 students in Kenosha, Wisconsin, itself located on the shore of Lake Michigan. At Carthage, everyone is required to take a year of Western Heritage, where students will pore over Plato, Aristotle, and other classical intellects who had timeless thoughts about the pros and cons of mobile technology.
Their mascots are the Red Men and Lady Reds. Put another way, if you don’t like red, play sports elsewhere.
Game 3 – Central Oklahoma vs. Southern Miss
University of Central Oklahoma is a public school of 17,000 located in charming Edmond, just north of Oklahoma City. It’s home to the famed UCO Jazz Lab. This is a real-life story of hey-your-pizza-fell-into-our-jazz.
At the Jazz Studies program, you can take courses like Applied Trumpet, Jazz Pedagogy, and Know Your Oboe. Well, the first two anyway.
Their sports teams are called the Bronchos. A broncho just is a bronco that can’t spell. Impressively, the Bronchos have won eighteen national championships in Division II, the latest in women’s rowing. One can only imagine what a bronco rowing must look like.
Game 4 – New Mexico State vs. College of New Jersey
Located in Ewing Township is The College of New Jersey, an outstanding public school of 7,300 students. Great business school. Beautiful architecture. A degree that pays. My goodness me, New Jersey!
Their teams are called the Lions, and they play in the New Jersey Athletic Conference. Since the NJAC was formed in 1997, TCNJ’s track and field teams have won the both the indoor and outdoor titles every single year. Rrowr!
Their football team is 0-2 this season.
Let the games begin!
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