Yet another College Football Season is in the books. I hope you all enjoyed the faux action, as well as the true information. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. I enjoy this competition immensely, so thank you for being a part of it.
Please be well, and I’ll see you all next season!
The beauty of faux-football is that a team can score zero points, and win. Congratulations, Franklin Pierce, victory is yours!
The Golden Knights of Gannon were out-jousted by Oklahoma. California’s Golden Bears are not afraid of thunder, the Thunder of Trine. Eureka College narrowly missed out on a win over mighty Penn State. Lincoln and Reagan forgive you.
It’s the last week of the 2019 College Football Season. There’s no tomorrow, so leave it all out on the field!
Game 1 ~ Purdue vs. Franklin Pierce
Up in Rindge ,New Hampshire, you’ll find a quaint private university of 1,400 students named Franklin Pierce University. The school was founded in 1962 by Frank S. DiPietro, and named after the only President of the United States from New Hampshire.
The campus is located on the shore of Pearly Pond, with Mount Monadnock in the near distance, close enough to have a 24-7 webcam pointed at it from their campus. It’s a heartwarming reminder that nature releases endorphins.
Their teams are the Ravens. Ravens in flight have their own 24-7 cam of Mount Monadnock, Pearly Pond, Franklin Pierce University, home footballs games, students, and whatever they would like to ponder that day. It gives them a full perspective on life. Or they just have birdbrains.
Game 2 ~ Oklahoma vs. Gannon
Gannon University is a private Catholic school of 4,400 students located in Erie, Pennsylvania. In fact, it’s located in downtown Erie, which itself is located not far from Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Niagara Falls and even Rochester! It’s a hardy group for sure, but also an area of unappreciated beauty and history.
Gannon’s teams are the Golden Knights. The football team each year faces off against crosstown rival Mercyhurst for the Niagara Cup. Erie is 116 miles from Niagara Falls, so perhaps there’s some piece of history that can explain this Cup. Until then, go Knights! (Sorry, Mercyhurst.)
Game 3 ~ Trine vs. California
In Angola, Indiana, is Trine University, a private school of 5,000 total students. If you aspire to become a physician assistant, I’ll make your search easy for you. Visit Trine.
In 1990, Trine (then Tri-State University) changed their teams from the Trojans to the Thunder, making a risky marketing move from classical antiquity to meteorology.
As I said, their teams are the Thunder, and their mascot is a white tiger named Storm. Personally, I would’ve called it The White Tiger of Indiana aka Push Me And I Will Eat You. But that’s just me. If you’d like to book The White Tiger of Indiana aka Push Me And I Will Eat You for an event, you can fill out this online form.
Game 4 ~ Eureka vs. Penn State
Eureka College, located in Eureka, Illinois, is a private school of about 550 students. The school was founded by abolitionists in 1848, and was the first school in Illinois to educate men and women on an equal basis. Abraham Lincoln spoke there. Ronald Reagan went to school there. The college is a National Historic District. One of their quarterbacks set the NCAA record for passing yards in a game. (clear sports segue)
Strangely enough, for all their noble virtues, their teams are the Red Devils. Then again these aren’t real devils from hell, just sports devils from Illinois. Each year, the football team goes head to head with rival Knox College in the Abraham Lincoln Bowl. Lincoln would be overjoyed to know he started another war.
Let the games begin!
A loving God will sometimes take an expected outcome and turn it on its head, to teach us all an important lesson. In this case, God allowed North Carolina State to defeat Southern Nazarene, teaching the Crimson Storm the virtue of humility on the faux-football field.
The Wolverines of Michigan defeated the Blue Bears of Livingstone. If we’re being fair, wolverines punch far above their weight, even to bears, who are probably wondering what the hell is up with this thing.
The super smart students of Rice could not think their way out of the clutches of St. Norbert. The Armed Services strategically infiltrated the gameplan of Utica.
Week 9, time to grind out the final two weeks. You’re tired, you’re injured. But are you ready to reach deep down and finish strong! Let’s do this.
Game 1 ~ Michigan vs. Livingstone
Livingstone College is a historically black Christian school of 1,200 students located in Salisbury, North Carolina.
You’ve heard of Harlem in New York City, right? Would you be surprised to know that there is a literal father of Harlem. It’s Philip A. Payton. Yep, he’s a Livingstone graduate.
The first ever black intercollegiate football game was played between Livingstone College and Biddle College (now Johnson C. Smith University) ~ back in 1892 ~ on Livingstone’s campus. Indeed, Livingstone College is a milepost in the history of America’s Game.
Their teams are the Blue Bears. Be aware, if your football team backs away very slowly, a hungry blue bear may not charge you.
Game 2 ~ Southern Nazarene vs. North Carolina State
Out in Bethany, Oklahoma, you’ll find Southern Nazarene University, a liberal arts school of 2,100 students, spiritually guided by the Church of the Nazarene. Their motto is Character, Culture, Christ. I take that to mean a school that champions the highest virtues of God will build a spiritually successful culture built on solid character. Or, in order of motto, a student of strong character will seek to spread such qualities to the surrounding culture, and what better person to model such character after than Christ!
If you want to be a missionary, strongly consider SNU. You can major in it!
Their teams are the Crimson Storm, and their mascot is Thunder Cat. When traveling in Bethany on game day, please be safe. There are storms, red storms! Rumbling thunder. Oh that thunder! And a ferocious storm cat. Mrowr!
Game 3 ~ St. Norbert vs. Rice
St. Norbert College is a private Catholic school of 2,100 students located in De Pere, Wisconsin, just south of Green Bay. An aside, De Pere is pronounced dih-PEER, not duh-PEER. Residents of De Pere thank you.
Ready? St. Norbert was founded by a Dutch immigrant Norbertine priest named Abbot Bernard Pennings from the Premonstratensian Berne Abbey of Heeswijk in the Netherlands. If you can say that cleanly, you’ve earned an honorary degree from St. Norbert.
St. Norbert teams are the Green Knights. Since 2004, their men’s hockey team has won five national titles, while being runner up four times. When they don’t make the finals, they’re generally a stone’s throw away. Are you catching the Dutch Norbertine Wisconsin hockey vibes right now?
Game 4 ~ Navy vs. Utica
Utica College is a private university of 3,000 students located in Utica, New York. Have you ever been taught by superheroes? Meet Utica College. If you don’t come out of Utica with the intellectual confidence to take on the world and its problems, then superhero power was wasted on you.
Watch your passwords, Utica has a cybersecurity program. A good one.
Their teams are the Pioneers. When you want to remember Utica, try using an image. Maybe a pioneer superhero saving the world from computer crime. Or not.
Let the games begin!
North Park did right by their Swedish founders edging past Nebraska. The students of the Södra Vatterbygdens Folkhögskola are celebrating in the streets!
Tennessee defeated the memory of James Stout by three points. The Curse of James Stout starts now, Tennessee. Truman State pummeled Nevada, which means it’s a distinct possibility that Truman’s male and female bulldogs spent the night together. No, they didn’t spend the night drawing up football plays. Saint Vincent and its beautiful Benedictine campus religiously trounced Missouri. Amen.
Straight to the gridiron!
Game 1 ~ Nebraska vs. North Park North Park University is a Christian liberal arts school of 3,200 students located on the north side of Chicago. The school was founded – in Minneapolis – by Swedish immigrants hoping to better their chances in America. With an offer to move to the North Park neighborhood of Chicago, the Swedes took it, and continued to live in Sweden-type coldness.
If you somehow doubt this connection to Sweden, know that the school currently has an exchange program with the Swedish college, Södra Vatterbygdens Folkhögskola, located in Jönköping.
North Park’s teams are, of course, the Vikings. North Side Vikings. North Side Vikings with the opportunity to study at Södra Vatterbyg, oh somewhere in Sweden.
Game 2 ~ Wisconsin-Stout vs. Tennessee University of Wisconsin-Stout is a state school of 9.400 students located in Menomonie. So why is it called Wisconsin-Stout, and not Wisconsin-Menomonie, or the University of Wisconsinomonie. Why, Stout is a person! In 1891, James Stout started a manual training school, and 129 years later, here we are as Wisconsin-Stout. The Cheese State thanks you, James.
Their teams are the Blue Devils. They’ve been the Blue Devils since the late ’20s, however their actual mascot has had an unusual and fashion-challenged history. In 2011, after a decades long mascot hibernation, they brought back a mascot, voted on by both students and faculty. In 2012, this Devil was given the name Blaze, possibly implying their opponents will burn in hell for challenging the greatness of one James Stout.
Game 3 ~ Truman State vs. Nevada
Truman State University is public school of 6,400 students located in Kirksville, Missouri. Oh my is this campus filled with campus lore (scroll down to Campus Lore). Weathervanes, gum trees, sacred potatoes, Truman pennies, and naturally, some ghosts. Only in college does one get believe in so much lore, without being committed.
Truman State teams are the Bulldogs, and the mascots are Spike and Simone. Spike goes back awhile, and Simone eventually joined him. There may or may not be lore surrounding these two, but there ought to be. Perhaps, every time Spike and Simone spend a night alone, Truman State is guaranteed victory the next day. I’m leaving now.
Game 4 ~ Missouri vs. St. Vincent
Beautiful Saint Vincent College is a private Benedictine school of around 1,800 students located in Latrobe, Pennsylvania. It was founded in 1846 by a group of Benedictine monks led by Boniface Wimmer, who was Archabbot of the first Benedictine Archabbey in the United States. That means he headed the monastery.
At every school, the success of an education is the positive effect is has on a student. So, let us take in some positivity from the Saint Vincentians. Saint Vincent’s a win-win, throwing in a third win for our having read about it. Saint Vincent!
Their teams are the Bearcats, possibly but probably not led by a Benedictine Archcat.
Let the games begin!
The first Intrastatemania did not disappoint! The Sycamores of Indiana State smacked down the Hoosiers of Indiana. Faux-football superiority and a trophy called pride has been taken back to Terre Haute! And let’s face it, without trees Earth’s atmosphere doesn’t stand a chance.
In the intrastate battle of Georgia, Georgia defeated their western subset, West Georgia. But oh, what a battle this was!
Inside the walls of Texas, the Aggies of Texas A&M were almost overrun by the Bulldogs of Seguin (seh-GEEN), but were somehow able to stave them off. Fearful Texans are now returning to their homes.
Oh my, North Carolina! Though armed with the graces of God, the Battling Bishops of North Carolina Wesleyan were slain by the Tar Heels of North Carolina. Though the Tar Heels may have sinned, they certainly carry the virtue of faux-football excellence.
It’s here, and it’s on. It’s Intrastatemania! No more talking, states. It’s time!
Game 1 ~ Georgia vs. West Georgia
In Carrollton, Georgia, is the University of West Georgia, a public research school of almost 14,000 students.
Their teams are the Wolves. Oh my, there’s a Cheer Dynasty in West Georgia! Reached 24 championships. A run of seven consecutive national titles. Wolves have never tumbled so gracefully.
Let it be known, great cheerleaders make incredibly precise, strenuous, and difficult moves look easy. Strength and skill is the name of the game. And they’re unselfishly concerned about your mood. Cheerleaders of West Georgia, I bow to you!
Game 2 ~ Texas Lutheran vs. Texas A&M
Texas Lutheran University is a private evangelical school of 1,400 students located in Seguin (that’s seh-GEEN). At the heart of campus is the Chapel of the Abiding Presence. I can only assume that for those who let God into their hearts here, God will have an enduring presence in their lives, in East Texas at least.
Their teams are the Bulldogs. Roughly one-third of full time students participate in sports. Texas Lutheran is indeed the Campus of Athletic Presence.
Game 3 ~ Indiana vs. Indiana State
Indiana State University is a public school of roughly 12,500 students located in Terre Haute (say it with me, Tare-uh Hote).
There’s just something very refreshing about a school of higher learning with an annual tricycle race. Oh my, a tandem race as well! It can’t be poly sci and calculus all the time, right.
All biking aside, Washington Monthly once voted them #1 in the nation for community service. What’s with all of these selfless trike people!
Their teams are the Sycamores, and their mascot is Sycamore Sam. I can picture it in my mind, an Indiana State student sitting peacefully under a sycamore tree, tuning up his tricycle, while helping a child tune up theirs.
Game 4 ~ North Carolina Wesleyan vs. North Carolina
North Carolina Wesleyan College is a Methodist liberal arts school of 2,000 students located in Rocky Mount. Here you will find such groups as the Voices of Triumph Gospel Choir, Visions of Beauty Modeling Team, Sisters of Distinction, and The “B” Club. Why, what goes on at your campus.
Their teams are the Battling Bishops. If you’ve never seen bishops battle on the gridiron, put it on your bucket list. At the very least to see how they cram their hats under their helmets.
Let the games begin!
Never underestimate the power of Hope, Longhorn State.
The Prairie Fire of Knox was put out by some Gophers from Minnesota. South Carolina kicked down the masonry walls of Alfred State. And the Bobcats of West Virginia Wesleyan were taken down by UNLV, a bunch of Vegas gamblers who clearly have no respect for the only native feline predator found in West Virginia. For shame!
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