2019

Week 6.  The first half of the season, over.  The second half begins, now.

Game 1 ~ Hope vs. Texas

Hope College is a Christian liberal arts school of 3,200 students located in Holland, Michigan.  Hope is very Dutch.  How Dutch you ask?

The Dutch settled this area back in 1840s.  Dutch immigrants started the school in the 1850s, and built Van Vleck Hall in 1858 (It’s still there).

Their sports teams are known as the Flying Dutchmen (men) and the Flying Dutch (women).  Their colors are orange and blue, the colors of the Dutch.  Their mascot is named Dutch.  The student center’s a windmill?  Well ok, not that Dutch. But still, a windmill would be straight up ongelooflijk!  (That’s Dutch for incredible)

Game 2 ~ Minnesota vs. Knox 

Knox College is a private liberal arts school of about 1,400 students in Galesburg, Illinois.  They have an annual tradition called Flunk Day.  No, not a day when students defiantly fail their exams, but a day of madcap amusement!  I suppose if they had an exam early the next morning, they may fail it.

Their sports teams are the Prairie Fire.  I must bow to your undeniably cool mascot.  Their annual and storied football rivalry with Monmouth College is called the Bronze Turkey Game, the winners gaining possession of the Bronze Turkey Trophy.  I feel I must now spread the gospel of your coolness, Knox College.

The man who invented the zipper is a Knox graduate.  By Jesus, this school is cooler than a Canadian ice rink!

Game 3 ~ Alfred State vs. South Carolina  

Alfred State College of Technology is a state school of about 3,700 students located in Alfred, New York.  Both Alfred University and Alfred State are located in Alfred, however we all know which Alfred is superior to the other.  (Always pick technology)

Alfred State is second in the nation for their masonry program.  Building Trades ~ Building Construction, second.  You can safely say that Alfred State is building foundations for success.  I’ll show myself out.

Their teams are the Pioneers.

Game 4 ~ UNLV vs. West Virginia Wesleyan  

In Buckhannon, West Virginia, you can find a private, liberal arts school of 1,450 students named West Virginia Wesleyan College.  WVWC has such things as 3:2 engineering partnerships, Georgian architecture, rhododendron pride, and of course, West Virginians seeking higher education.  They dabble in NASA too.  Any questions?

Their teams are the Bobcats.  Did you know that the bobcat is the only native feline predator in West Virginia.  Even rarer is the feline bobcat with engineering aspirations and a keen appreciation for architecture.

Let the games begin!

West Liberty sits atop victory hill, and once again, freedom wins the day — as opposed to Kentucky winning the day.  

The Florida gator showed the Pennsylvania gator that the Yankee gator is no gator at all, in the eyes of the South.

The Big Stampede is over, and the Morrisville mustangs out-mustanged the SMU mustangs.  Oh my!

You can open your eyes now.  The two collegiate rams have crashed into one another, the battle is through.  Colorado State has submitted.  Winston-Salem State has won.

These aren’t just football battles each week, folks.  Where there’s a faux-football contest, there’s a mascot battle.  Mascots are on the front lines of school pride, so believe you me, when they go at it, only one is walking away.  Who has the better mascot, let the battles begin!

Game 1 ~ West Liberty vs. Western Kentucky  (King of the Hill)

West Liberty University is a West Virginia public school of 2,900 located in the Northern Panhandle of the state.  Established in 1837, it’s the oldest institution of higher learning in West Virginia.  And with great experience and wisdom comes an excellent dental hygiene program!

The program goes all the way back to 1938.  The teeth and gums of the Ohio Valley haven’t looked back since.

The campus is situated on a hilltop, and their mascot is the Hilltopper.  So is Western Kentucky’s.  But only one mascot can be on the top.  Time to find out who’s King of the Hill!

Game 2 ~ Florida vs. Allegheny (Gator Fight!)

Allegheny College is a liberal arts school of 1,800 located out in the western Pennsylvania town of Meadville.  The school was founded in 1815 and quickly assembled a distinguished library, one so excellent that it drew the admiration of Thomas Jefferson — and we all know how much he hated books.

Their mascot is the gator.  Not a Florida gator, mind you.  A Pennsylvania gator.  Little known fact, Pennsylvania gators are some of the most vicious gators in nature, because they are entirely fed up with snow.   Look out, Florida gator, here he comes!

Game 3 ~ SMU vs. SUNY Morrisville (The Big Stampede)

SUNY Morrisville is a state school of 3,000 located in peaceful and picturesque Central New York.  Straight to the studies!  They research cannabis.  They grow and study industrial hemp.  They’re delightfully incredible horse people.  When you’re not growing hemp from atop a horse, you can get your Casino Careers Professional Development Certificate.  Or maybe you’re interested in attending the Best Brewing College in North America?

If you’re not impressed by any of this, then you’re no fun to hang out with.

Their teams are the Mustangs.  Southern Methodist has Mustangs.  Release the mustangs, it’s stampede time!

Game 4 ~ Colorado State vs. Winston-Salem State (Ram Slam!)

Winston-Salem State University is a historically black state research school of 5,200 students, located in proudly hyphenated Winston-Salem, North Carolina.  

Nationally, they’re consistently at the top of the Social Mobility Index, which means they have a very high success rate of enrolling under-resourced students and graduating them into successful life paths.  Think of it as education, motivation, and nobility all rolled into one.  I can feel the hyphen pride through the computer screen!

Their teams are the Rams.  Colorado State are also Rams.  Have you ever seen two rams charge each other and butt heads?  If you haven’t, you’re about to.  I urge you to back away, right now.

Let the games begin!

In retaliation for last week’s clean sweep defeat, the small schools exacted nearly-full-revenge against big football, taking three of four contests. Beloit fought to the bitter end, but alas, vengeance was not theirs.

Game 1 ~ Wyoming vs. Beloit 

It’s pronounced Buh-LOIT, like adroit, if you know that word.  Speaking of adroit, how about those 1,400 students that attend Beloit College!  Beloit is in Wisconsin.

Many colleges are indeed places for next level learning, but adroit means clever, and Beloit’s website is chock full of cleverness.  

Try Being a Beloiter.  Interesting People are Wanted.  Our Normal is Pretty Extraordinary.  You’ll be Intellectually and Professionally Agile.  Bring Your Ideas to Life, and to Market.  Are you in a Beloit State of Mind yet?  Get your adroit on already!

Their teams are the Buccaneers, the clever ones.

Game 2 ~ Syracuse vs. Concord 

Concord University is a picturesque public school of 2,300 students located among the mountains and forests of Athens, West Virginia.  How picturesque?  Well, it’s referred to as “The Campus Beautiful.”  Now that’s a compliment incredible if I ever heard one!

The President resides on campus in The President’s Home, a historically welcoming residence to governors, celebrities, students, and faculty, as well as being the actual home for the President’s family.  The Residence Friendly on The Campus Beautiful.

Their teams are the Mountain Lions, an animal which may have possibly been a guest at the President’s Home, which would’ve made it The Lion Welcome at The Residence Friendly on The Campus Beautiful.  Is this what heaven looks like?

Game 3 ~ Indianapolis vs. Oklahoma State

The University of Indianapolis, or UIndy, is a private university of 5,500 students located on the south side of take-a-guess-where.  Their student newspaper is The Reflector, a proud and very professional student-run paper — since 1922!  It’s entirely online, like any good millennial publication, and it is clearly superlative.  Nicely done, UStudents.

Their teams are the Greyhounds, and their mascot is Ace, or Indy.  Ace is the name of the donated greyhound statue.  Indy is the costumed mascot.  Ace or Indy?  Clearly they are not the same, or are they just two sides of the same dog. (Note the fourth paragraph where Ace is explicitly referred to as Indy, twice.)  My oh my.

Regardless of the split nature of this mascot, I’m sure he’s a faithful friend.  Or is it a she?

Game 4 ~ Delaware Valley vs. USC

Delaware Valley University is a school of around 1,800 students located in a charming place called Doylestown, Pennsylvania, near the Delaware River on the state’s eastern border.  

So, being in the charmingly bucolic place that it is, DelVal of course has a thriving intercollegiate equestrian team for both dressage and hunt seat, both classic forms of English riding.  (dressage is pronounced like massage).  Horse riding is a very technical sport, and tough work as well.  My personal goal for competition would be to keep my hamstrings intact for ten seconds.

Their student athletes are Aggies, a traditional name for students who go to an agricultural college.  The competition horses are honorary Aggies, since they have no time to get their degrees.

Let the games begin!

Even though all four big schools were victorious this weekend, you can be sure small schools will have their revenge. Sleep with one eye open, big schools.

The Buffaloes of Colorado trampled poor Cardy the Cardinal and the rest of the Otterbein football Cardinals. Cardy is their mascot.

Ole Miss successfully defended the South against the tundra warriors from South Dakota who call themselves Sioux Falls Cougars.

Army defeated Lock Haven, who were merely showing their respect for the military.

Finally, LSU narrowly beat out Missouri Western State. Put another way, Missouri Western State came oh-so-close to beating LSU at (faux) football. Is this great or what!

Week 3.  All teams have had two weeks to make the proper adjustments.  Gameplans are set.  Players are ready.  Fans are ready.  Let’s go play some faux-football!

Game 1 ~ Colorado vs. Otterbein 

Otterbein University is a liberal arts school of 2,800 students located in Westerville, Ohio, just northeast of Columbus.  Otterbein was founded in 1847 by the Church of the United Brethren in Christ.

From the beginning, this school has always been a school of inclusion.  They included women as faculty members and students.  They accepted students of color before the Civil War.  They welcomed Japanese-Americans interned during World War II.  Basically, they included anyone our land-of-opportunity country had excluded.

Their teams are the Cardinals, and their official mascot is Cardy the Cardinal, who has a name so goofy and awkward that Otterbein chose to include him.

Game 2 ~ Sioux Falls vs. Ole Miss

The University of Sioux Falls is a Christian college of 1,500 students bringing service to their Lord in southeastern South Dakota.  If you like traditions and you have a thing for the Renaissance and you’re lost in SE South Dakota, well you’re in luck, Sioux Falls has a tradition known as The USF Madrigal Dinners!

It’s been a tradition since 1963, when the Lord put the idea into the mind of Lois Harchanko, Music Professor Emeritus, proving once again that great traditions are grown from simple ideas.Their mascot is the Cougar, perhaps a Christian Cougar, but not a hot middle-aged Christian woman.  Let’s keep it clean here.

Game 3 ~ Army vs. Lock Haven 

Lock Haven University of Pennsylvania is a state school with around 3,400 students nestled comfortably in central PA.  Located on the Susquehanna River, Lock Haven has many excellent majors, many useful minors, but most importantly, it has a carillon!

A carillon is a series of bells in a tower that are sounded by hammers and played from a keyboard.  There aren’t very many of them in the United States, but there’s certainly one in central PA.  Did I mention the majors and minors?

Their teams are the Bald Eagles.  I can only assume their mascot predates the recent drive to outwardly display one’s Americanism.  Between the majors, the minors, the bald eagles, the carillon, and these, I’d say Lock Haven is doing just fine.

Game 4 ~ LSU vs. Missouri Western State 

Missouri Western State University is a school of 5,400 students located in St. Joseph.  Originally founded as St. Joseph Junior College in 1915, the school was officially granted university status in 2005.  Why am I telling you this?

Because their mascot has been the Griffons all the way through!  (Hear that, re-branders).  Now, there’s two types of clever.  There’s obvious clever ~ you see something and its cleverness is apparent.  And there’s unwitting clever ~ you see something and had no idea how clever it was until someone pointed it out to you.

Now, take a look at the griffon again in the link.  Draw a mental line around the exterior of the griffon.  It’s the state of Missouri.  Thank you, and good night!

Let the games begin!

The dust has finally settled.  All sides have returned to their campuses.  The Showdown is over, and peace has now returned to the Buckeye State.

But what went down? The Yellow Jackets of Baldwin Wallace stung the pants off of Cincinnati.  The Toledo Rockets cast off Marietta like a spent fuel tank.  Ohio Northern and Ohio State went at it like two proud Ohioans battling for top Ohio honors ~ and the Buckeyes claimed the title.

Last but not least, the Kenyon Lords scored zero points, which I guess does make them last and least.

It’s time for the All-Ohio Showdown!  This contest has a long tradition in The College Football Season, and by long tradition, I mean this is its first year.  So, this is your last chance to clear out of the state before things get ugly, and they will.  You’ve been warned.  Alright, Ohio.  Let’s do this!

Game 1 ~ Baldwin Wallace vs. Cincinnati

Baldwin Wallace University is a liberal arts school of around 3,800 students located in Berea, Ohio, a suburb of Cleveland.  It’s home to the Baldwin Wallace Conservatory of Music, which is the home to its nationally renowned Music Theater program.  

Nationally renowned programs aside, the Conservatory is home to the oldest collegiate Bach festival in the United States!

Their teams are the Yellow Jackets, and their mascot is Stinger.  Stinger undoubtedly appreciates Bach.

Game 2 ~ Ohio vs. Kenyon 

Kenyon College is located in Gambier, Ohio, and has a student body of roughly 1,700 students, but oh what a body!  Graduates include Rhodes Scholars, winners of Marshall scholarships, Truman scholarships, Watson fellowships, and Fulbright scholarships.  Anyone else have a scholarship to win?

Kenyon is one of those schools that has so much going for it, a brief summary is not possible.  I can say however that their excellence in academics is balanced against their losing football team, the Lords.  But, can we really expect a Rhodes Scholar to play linebacker?

Game 3 ~ Marietta vs. Toledo

Marietta College is school of 1,200 students located in Marietta, a town in SE Ohio right along the Muskingum River at the border of West Virginia.  Have you applied to Marietta, but need to fly in for an official visit?  Oh ho!  Marietta cares about you.

Would you believe me if I told you their football field is gray?  It is.  The stadium is named after Don Drumm, an old Marietta football coach from a hundred years ago.  You know, sometimes you just have to withhold your opinion and let others make up their own minds about a gray football field.

Game 4 ~ Ohio Northern vs. Ohio State

Ohio Northern University is a private university of about 3,000 students located in a town called Ada.  ONU is a fan of high-impact learning, which does not mean slamming your textbook into your forehead in order to learn the material inside, but rather, to take on the quest for academic excellence full force!  What parent wouldn’t want their child attacking success?

Their teams are the Polar Bears.  Back in 2005, the ONU football team defeated the mighty Mount Union Purple Raiders to end their 110-game winning streak.  110 games!  Always remember, Polar bears see people as food, and believe in high-impact eating.

Let the games begin!

Yes, Wheeling did indeed open up a can of West Virginia whoop-ass on Hawai’i. Evil Duke blue devils danced diabolical circles around the bulldogs of Adrian, because sometimes evil prevails in this world, even in faux-football.

Bad karma took down the privateer known as Christopher Newport. And oh ho, how the Basin Falcons of UT Permian Basin swooped down, picked up mighty Alabama, and guess what school became dinner for the baby falcons back in the nest. What a week!