We’ve waited the entire offseason for this. No more weight training, no more study sessions, no more anticipation. Time to hit the faux-gridiron!
Game 1 ~ Duke vs. Adrian
Adrian College is a private liberal arts school of around 1,700 students located in Adrian, Michigan, which is near the Ohio border. Back in 1828, Adrian was named after the Roman Emperor Hadrian. In case you think I just made that up, I give you this.
Their teams are the Bulldogs, and their mascot is Bruiser. Bruiser is a real dog. Sadly, the first Bruiser passed away just after his eighth birthday, and was by all accounts, a lovable and loyal friend and dearly missed by the student body. Within a month of his passing, the school adopted a new bulldog puppy on Christmas Day, and named it Bruiser II.
Adrian plays Duke this week, and by contrast, there are no such things as Blue Devils, let alone a heartbreaking story about the loss of a beloved devil.
Game 2 ~ Hawai’i vs. Wheeling
Wheeling University (once Wheeling Jesuit University) is a school of 1,300 students located in a cool town with a smooth name — Wheeling, West Virginia!
WU is the home to the Institute for the Study of Capitalism and Morality. Their mission is to study the role of capitalism in a free society. Unfortunately, capitalists do not believe in giving things away for free, something I’m sure the Institute is looking into.
Wheeling began its football program just last year, and this year is their first official full season schedule. Congratulations, and best of luck to your program. By that, I mean y’all better open up a can of Wheeling whoop-ass on every damn team y’all play this year! Like I said, best of luck.
Game 3 ~ Christopher Newport vs. UCLA
So who is this Christopher Newport? In 1607, he captained one of the ships that brought settlers to Jamestown, the first permanent English settlement in America. However, he was mainly a privateer, someone who captains a privately owned ship given the authority by the government to raid enemy ships. Thus, Mr. Newport was a pirate.
Pillaging aside, Christopher Newport University is a Virginia public school of around 5,000 students. It’s located in Newport News — also named after Mr. Newport. Their teams are the Captains, a clear tribute to Mr. Newport. Ok, can we at least pretend to feel sympathy for Mr. Newport’s victims?
Game 4 ~ Alabama vs. UT Permian Basin
The University of Texas of the Permian Basin, or UTPB, is located in Odessa and has about 7,500 students. The school has a campus literary magazine Sandstorm which publishes student poetry, short stories, and artwork. Technically, nothing good comes from actual sandstorms, but I’m sure this sandstorm is a whirlwind of creativity.
Their sports teams are the Basin Falcons, which are falcons that fly fearlessly through the air and also drill for oil and natural gas.
And last but not least, they replicated Stonehenge.
Let’s the games begin!
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